Feeling behind

Read time: 3 minutes

I'm a different person when I feel ahead. I'm light, energetic, excited, and optimistic. When I feel behind, it's draining, anxiety producing, I feel on edge and nervous everything is going to fall apart.

The key distinction here isn't whether I'm actually behind or ahead. The key distinction is the feeling. It's in the expectations I set and hold myself to. It's in the comparison to others and to myself on where I should be.

I should have more money, I should have made more progress on my memoir, I should be 2 weeks ahead on client work. All of these thoughts make me feel behind.

I was venting to a friend a few months ago saying all of that. It was a beautiful spring day in Austin. We were outside at one of my favorite coffee shops. It was 2 pm on a Tuesday and we were just chatting. But there I was slumped in my chair, jittering and thinking about all the other things I needed to do on my to do list that was 20 items long. My friend let me vent for a good amount of time and when I didn't have anything else to complain about, she said "What makes you say you're behind?"

"Well I've been telling myself for weeks that I need to work on this project for a client"

She goes, "well what's the deadline? When is your client expecting it?"

"Well he actually isn't expecting it right now because priorities have shifted and there are other items that are more pressing. But in my head it's behind because it's just been sitting there for so long not getting done".

"Sounds to me like you're not actually behind on it. You're just telling yourself you're behind".

My expectations for getting this client project done did not adjust as the situation changed. I had in my head that I needed to be further along than I was. But when different priorities came up, I didn't recalibrate. And when I dug into the root of whether I was ahead or behind, the key metric here is the client expectations around the project. Not an arbitrary deadline I set for myself on it.

I had a similar experience with my 3 year vision. I wrote this vision 2.5 years ago. This was before I knew how much I enjoyed writing, before I knew I was going to live in Austin full time, before I had any idea what kind of business I would run. I set a stretch but attainable goal of making $40,000 /month. Stretch in the sense that was more money I had ever made in my life but attainable in the sense that it was 3 years away and felt like it was a good amount of time to figure some shit out and build a business.

I made progress quickly. About 1.5 years in, my income climbed to match what I'd been making at my corporate job. Then it stalled for a year, holding steady month after month.

But earlier this year, I was looking ahead to the end of my 3 year vision and noticed that I was still far off from my goal of making $40k/month.

I was very far behind.

And it started to stress me out. I was looking back at the previous 2 years and was reflecting on all the wasted time and opportunities. I could have worked harder to land more clients. I could have been charging more money. What was I doing wrong to have been so far behind.

But then my business coach pushed me on this $40k number. What was it for and where did it come from?

I thought back to when I wrote this vision. I'd booked an Airbnb in a remote part of the North Island of New Zealand. It was a studio above the garage on a family's farm, up a long dirt road that sat over the hillside with the ocean deep in the background. I took 2 days off the grid. I spent my mornings on the porch, writing and reflecting. My days were spent driving to nearby remote beaches and walking around the property. I was imagining what my life could look like in 3 years. 

But I was naive. I had never built my own business before. There were also so many unknowns about what my life would look like that the $40k/ month number essentially came from nowhere. ~$500k / year just sounded like a nice round number that would be cool to make.

I was optimistic and betting on myself, but I was in a different place than I am now. I was single. I didn't have a lease. I didn't have any responsibilities. I was at the tail end of a 6 week adventure, looking forward to coming home to get back into routine, to see friends and family and reestablish myself.

That's the guy who set the number. And for several months this year, I let him tell me I was behind.

Then as I looked more into my vision, I saw all the other things I talked about beside just the money I would make. I talked about being in a strong long term relationship. I talked about being in the best shape of my life. I talked about having autonomy in my days to work from wherever and whenever I wanted. I talked about doing work that excites me and makes an impact on people.

So sure, the money number isn't as big as it could be. But when the situation changes, the expectations need to change with it. 

As I sit here writing this, about to go tour a house to move into with my girlfriend, having biked 25 miles this morning to prepare for my next triathlon, and back from two days in San Antonio because I decided last minute I needed a change of scenery to work on my memoir … I'd say I'm right on track with where I want to be.

Thank you for reading! As always please reply and let me know what resonated, what didn’t, or what you question. I love chatting about this stuff!

Cheers,

Andrew